So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
