I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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