My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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