So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
