I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
