She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize