I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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