so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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