there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize