I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Randomize
