I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
