Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
