it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
