I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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