guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
