I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
