the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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