yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
