I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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