Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
