Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
