seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
