Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
