I must be too annoying 4 u.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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