im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
