Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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