Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
