dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
