Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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