my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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