oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
