I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
