Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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