I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
