Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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