i think my mom watched the whole time
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
we're so committed to being not committed
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize