Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
