and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Drunk is a universal language darling
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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