doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
