I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
