Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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