my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
