I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
