I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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