he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
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