so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
