please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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