Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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