I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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