You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
