I wanna bring you to show and tell
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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