Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Bring me that man meat
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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