by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
