If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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